When Candid Communication Isn't Enough
Just about every problem I work through in my role boils down to needing to communicate more and more often. Early on, as an engineering leader, I had to tackle a strange communication problem.
Yet there was still a problem. The team was always working in drastically different directions and at various technical levels, constantly bickering about what needed to be done. One-on-ones with me were full of complaints about other team members and were always heated.
How could there be such a big problem with a group of engineers who were always so open about the work?
Candid and Frank
I took some time to observe their interactions, choosing a place to sit where I wasn't immediately visible but could still hear the conversations. What I heard was a lot of very candid discussions.
"Your idea just isn't going to work; you need to pick a different way."
"If you do that, everything will break!"
"What were you thinking when doing that?".
Why would direct, candid conversation on a team not be positive and proactive? I can sum up the answer with one word, "FEELINGS." If you are an engineer reading this, you may be thinking. "Feelings don't belong at work." "There aren't feelings involved here, just facts." While technically correct (not the best kind of correct), you must remember that even though everything said may be accurate or fact-based, the thoughts and words still need to be humane. We (humans) are primarily driven by emotion.
As team members were working with each other, their conversations held no regard for the emotional position of the other person. One would get frustrated and say something factual in a "mean" way and upset the other. The conversation would continue to go on and devolve into a full-blown argument, with both people ultimately being angry with the other one. Nothing would get resolved. This means that other team members or I would have to choose a direction, ultimately alienating one of them.
Some Definitions:
Candid: truthful
and straightforward; frank.
Frank: open, honest, and direct in speech or writing, especially when dealing with unpalatable matters.
Candid and Frank have very similar definitions, and ultimately, this is how we want our teams to communicate. However, these definitions miss accounting for the emotional components of communication. In my experience, many engineers work based on the literal definition of most things. This means that when asked to have candid or frank conversations, they will take this to mean they can say anything as long as it is open, honest, and direct. NOT TRUE!
We need a way to communicate that is Respectful and Frank.
Frank but Respectful
Sugarcoat: make superficially attractive or acceptable. Or make excessively sentimental.
Many people, especially in engineering, believe that asking them to be aware of people's feelings is the same as telling them to sugarcoat the situation. "Sugar coating is something managers do when they don't want to tell us the full truth." This is tantamount to asking the engineers to lie to each other. Why would we want them to lie to each other?
Cordial: warm and friendly.
We don't want anyone to lie. We want everyone to be cordial. Being frank in communication doesn't require us to be mean or disrespectful. This means that we must be aware of the feelings and emotional position of the person we are talking to. (As an aside, to many engineers, this also means that there must also be mutual respect. The topic of respect will be covered in a future post.) This means that we shouldn't say things that will upset each other. Also, if we unintentionally upset someone, we must understand how to recognize that and figure out how to lower the tension. This often means backing down from a point or taking a break in the conversation. Both of these things mean we must form new communication habits. These things are usually referred to as Soft Skills.
Advice and Tips
I want to go over some ways I worked with my team to mitigate the problems with our communication. This didn't get better overnight. There was a lot of pent-up resentment toward each other. Don't relent on this topic; it is the most important thing you can do for a healthy team.
Be a Team First and Foremost
Let's go back to some things my team said to each other.
"Your
idea just isn't going to work; you need to pick a different way."
"If
you do that, everything will break."
"What were you thinking when doing that?".
Do you see why those comments above might be a problem.?
They are directed at an individual. The word "you" is the problem. We are a team. Look to adopt this mindset: "If one of us has a problem, all of us have a problem." Do not allow a team to fault a single person. Directing our statements toward a single person is like attacking them, triggering the fight-or-flight response in most people.
The opportunity is to stop using the word "you." It doesn't belong on a team. It is easy enough to replace the word "you" with "we," "us," "our," or "this." The better option is to remove people from the conversation entirely. This means that all conversations should be directed at the project or task. Projects are emotionless.
Taking the statements above and rephrasing them to be less emotionally charged.
"This
doesn't seem like it will work; let's find a different solution."
"Doing
that will cause problems with the <project or feature>."
"This isn't a good practice; it would be better this way."
If I'm Frustrated
It is important to remember that communication requires two people. If you get frustrated in the conversation, the other person will likely be, too. We need to learn ways to deal with this quickly before it escalates into anger and resentment.
- Just because they attacked you
doesn't mean you should attack back. Retaliation always escalates the
situation.
- Everyone is trying to make the
projects successful. Please don't allow yourself to think that they are
intentionally trying to upset you or be difficult.
- Walking away to calm down and think about the problem is always an option. However, close the conversation before leaving: "I would like to take some time and think about this more." "Perhaps now is not the time to solve this problem." "I have some other things to get done. Let's pick this back up later."
Communication is Everyone's Problem
Everyone involved needs a coaching session when a team has a communication problem. Don't make the mistake of singling someone out. This legitimizes the other person and brings one team member down more. Make it clear that everyone is being held accountable for improving this situation and that they are all having the same conversation, though individually.
When discussing these situations, give specific examples and explain what went wrong. Always suggest how it could have been handled differently.
Staying alert to the communication happening around and within a team is crucial to being a strong leader. We can only perform at our best if we communicate clearly and effectively. Keep in mind we are shooting for “Frank but Respectful.”
If you could use some additional help improving communication within your team or your own communication style, reach out, and let's chat about how I might help.
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