One-on-ones with My Manager are Kind of Terrible

Do you find yourself dreading those one-on-ones with your manager? Are you not sure what to tell them? Are you not sure how to get good feedback from them?

Two women having a conversation with notes

One-on-ones should be your time to get advice on your career and goals. Share your accomplishments from your perspective. Also, discuss anything you are concerned about or afraid of in your job or future.

Instead of waiting for your manager to figure it out, take the lead and make this time valuable to you. Use this post for some ideas on how to get the most out of this time with your manager. You can turn these conversations into something you look forward to by working through some high-level steps. 1. Think about how you want to grow/improve. 2. Drive the conversation based on your goals.  3. Follow up and ask for feedback.

A Little Background on Your Manager

Before we get too far, let’s explore a little bit about why they might not be good at this. Most managers started as people doing the work, probably a similar job as you.  Often, they were promoted because they were one of the best at that job.  Unfortunately, people usually move to management roles with minimal training. Remember, they are people doing their best, just like you. They probably don’t have good examples of one-on-ones to lean on for experience.

One more idea to keep in mind.  Your manager likely has many responsibilities, including the others who report to them, the projects they are responsible for, and working through their career goals. As a result, they may not spend much, if any, time thinking specifically about coaching feedback for you.  Likely, they don’t have any feedback for or about you.

Start With a Plan

I assume that if you are reading this, you are looking for some kind of improvement or career growth. It is easier to get the most out of a one-on-one when you start with yourself. That could be about learning and development or feedback for your manager. Either way, make some dedicated time to think about what you want to discuss during your one-on-one.

As part of this process, take some notes or make a list of topics for your manager.

Line drawing of spiral notebook with random squiggles and drawings

Opportunities for Learning and Growth

This is your opportunity to get advice about leadership opportunities, a role change, or a raise.  Your goal for a discussion with your manager is to be genuinely curious about what they see as ways for you to improve. Ask questions that show you are eager to make progress.

 Here are some things to think about:

  • Where do you feel like you are not giving your best?
  • What skills do you want to use at work?
  • What skills do you have no interest in using at work?
  • When do you feel least enthusiastic about work?
  • When do you feel most enthusiastic about work?
  • Do you feel challenged at work?  What would a challenge look like?
  • What does your manager do well, and would you like to improve yourself?
  • What recent interactions do you think you could have handled better?
  • Would you like more leadership opportunities?
  • Are you looking for a promotion?

Also, check out Hey Boss, Feedback Please!

Feedback for your Manager

Sometimes, you may not be ready for learning, or there may be something else you need to see change to improve your satisfaction. In this scenario, look to calmly bring facts to a conversation with your manager. Often, these situations can have a big impact on your day-to-day life or, in some way, carry a fair amount of emotion for you.

As you take notes about this topic, think about how to structure good feedback. Take some time to look at the SBI Feedback Model or the STAR Feedback Model.  There are many ways to structure input, and I find success with these. Following a structure will help your feedback get a meaningful response from your manager.

Here are some things to think about:

  • What are things you appreciate about our manager?
  • What habits does your manager have that bother you?
  • What are some things you are concerned about or worried about?
  • What are you excited about or looking forward to?
  • Are there members of your team doing a great job or did something you appreciate?
  • Are there members of your team who are not meeting your expectations?
  • Are you feeling too busy or overwhelmed?
  • Where do you feel like you are excelling?
  • What company/team processes are in your way?

Other Topics to Think About

Sometimes, what you need isn’t about any of the topics above.  In these cases, your manager can still offer valuable insight.

  • Do you have questions about benefits?
  • Can they walk you through a company process?
  • Do they have insights about the team’s or company’s future?

Have the Conversation

Now that you are prepared, it's time to share your thoughts and questions with your manager. This is probably the hardest part because it requires you to express your thoughts in an understandable and meaningful way.

Depending on the feedback in your notes, you may be questioning if you should “bring that up” with your manager.  Your brain is fantastic at bringing worst-case scenarios to the forefront. Please remember that these conversations are always more difficult in your head. Lean on your preparation and share your thoughts.  After that, let the conversation happen.

Remember these quotes from Susan Jeffers as you prepare for that next one-on-one.

“Remember that underlying all our fears is a lack of trust in ourselves.”
    ― Susan Jeffers, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway

“If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.”
    ― Susan Jeffers, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway

A Final Thought

Person sitting in front of orange background thinking.
Sometimes, one-on-ones don’t need to have a clear purpose. If you are happy and things seem to be working the way they should, then it is ok for this time to be a simple conversation. Sometimes, just talking about life or your shared interests is just as good.  It never hurts to strengthen your relationship with your manager.


If you are curious about other points of view about one-on-ones, check out this guide for managers: What Does a Good 1-on-1 Look Like?

If you could use some additional help figuring out how to get more out of your one-on-ones, or you are looking for a new perspective on your career development, reach out, and let's chat about how I might help.

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