The Respect Paradox: Why Proving Yourself Makes Experienced People Trust You Less

You just got promoted. Congratulations. Now you're leading someone who's been doing this work since before you graduated college. Maybe they started at the company when you were in high school. Maybe they interviewed you once and didn't hire you.

And now you're their manager.

Here's the paradox: New leaders think they need to prove they deserve the role before they can lead experienced people. But experienced people won't follow you until you show them you value their experience.

Most new managers get this backwards. They think their job is to have answers. So they start managing everyone the same way. "Here are your assignments. Here are the deadlines. Let me know if you have questions."

That approach fails with experienced people. Not because they won't do the work, but because you just told them their 15 years of experience doesn't matter.

What New Leaders Mistake for Respect

You think treating everyone equally is fair. It's not. It's lazy.

You think staying distant maintains authority. It doesn't. It signals you're intimidated.

You think proving you know what you're doing earns respect. It won't. Experienced people already know you don't know what they know.

Here's what I got wrong: I once led someone who started at the company before I graduated high school. I needed them to change direction with the company. I started by managing them like everyone else. Assignments. Deadlines. Check-ins.

It didn't work. They became distant. They stopped sharing what they knew. They did exactly what I asked and nothing more.

What Actually Works

Respect isn't earned by proving yourself. It's given first.

I changed my approach. I asked them to present their experience to the team. I opened every conversation by asking them to bring their expertise to the table before I asked them to do anything. I asked questions.

That worked.

Here's the tension most new managers miss: You think asking questions makes you look weak. Experienced people think not asking questions means you don't value what they know.

Your job isn't to have all the answers. Your job is to create an environment where your team can have answers. Experienced people already know this. They know they need to ask questions to understand decisions and direction. They're waiting to see if you know it too.

The Second Mistake I Made

I once managed someone who didn't hire me for a contributor role at the company. Then I became their manager.

It took me six months before I could give them real feedback. I was intimidated. I respected their history at the company. I carried that rejection into every conversation.

Then my boss had a hard conversation with me. I wasn't meeting goals. Something needed to shift with this person's team. I needed to give them feedback or we'd both be in trouble.

I read Radical Candor. I changed my approach. I started being direct. I stopped avoiding the hard conversations because I was intimidated.

The lesson: Respect their experience, but don't abdicate your responsibility to lead. They need you to bring clarity about business goals. They need you to make decisions when the team can't. They need you to tell them when something isn't working.

What to Do Tomorrow

Lead with curiosity. Here's what that looks like:

Ask them to share their history with the team and company. What's going well? What isn't?

Ask for their opinion on how to achieve the goal before you assign anything.

Then have an honest conversation about business needs around the goal. Share context. Share constraints. Share why this matters to the business.

Stop here most of the time. Let them figure out how to get there. Your position in the org chart should be used to share information that helps them apply their experience toward your goals.

When to Stop Asking and Start Directing

You stop asking when:

• The team needs to make a pivot they don't or cannot see
• The business need requires a specific approach
• The team cannot make the decision for themselves

But that should be the exception, not your default.

Experienced people want two things from you: Listen to them. Respect their experience. Ask for their input, show them that you heard it, explain the direction considering their feedback.

If you do that, they'll follow you. Not because you proved you deserve the role, but because you showed them you trust what they know.

P.S. Stop using the word "subordinates." These are people who know more about getting work done than you do. Treat them that way.

You're great at the work. Let's make it visible. 

If you're navigating this kind of leadership challenge, connect with me at jessestaffordcoaching.com.