The Performance Management Mistake That Cost Me a Team Member
They quit the day we handed them the performance improvement plan.
I drove a good person out of the company. Not because they couldn't do the work. Because I overwhelmed them with so much feedback that improvement became impossible.
Let me show you two versions of this story. What actually happened, and what I should have done instead.
Timeline 1: What Actually Happened
We promoted one of our junior managers to senior manager when the original leader retired. They were great at execution. A solid doer. They knew the work inside and out. On paper, it made sense.
But a senior manager role isn't about doing the work anymore. It's about leading through others, setting direction, measuring success across the whole team. They'd never built those skills.
The problem showed up immediately. We'd brought in a new junior manager to backfill their old role. The senior manager treated that junior manager's team like it wasn't really theirs. They'd focus intensely on one part of the department—the part they'd always run—but the other half might as well have been invisible. When I asked about overall team performance, they'd talk about their old area. When projects crossed team boundaries, coordination fell apart.
I saw all of it. And I gave feedback. Constantly.
In one-on-ones, I'd point out gaps in their understanding of the whole team. In staff meetings, I'd redirect their focus when they only talked about half the work. In performance reviews, I documented the pattern. In skip-level meetings with their reports, I'd hear the same concerns and bring them back to the senior manager.
Every week, new observations. Every conversation, more areas to improve.
They were trying. I could see the effort. But something always fell off. They'd start checking in with the junior manager more, then strategic planning would slip. They'd focus on team-wide goals, then execution details would crater. So I'd give more feedback about what wasn't working.
One day, frustrated after another missed deadline on a cross-team project, I said: "Watching your team test our games is like watching five year olds play soccer."
I actually said that. Out loud. To someone who was drowning in feedback and trying desperately to improve.
The cycle continued for months. More feedback, less progress, more frustration on both sides. Nothing was getting better. Everything felt stuck.
HR and I started the performance improvement plan process. We documented the concerns, outlined the expectations, scheduled the meeting.
They quit that same day. Walked out of the meeting and never came back.
Timeline 2: What I Should Have Done
Same promotion. Same person. Same initial problem—they couldn't see the whole team as their responsibility.
But this time, I stop.
Instead of listing every gap I'm seeing, I ask myself: What are the 2-3 core behaviors that, if they changed, would solve most of these other problems?
I land on three things:
First, understanding how goal setting and communication should work at the senior manager level. They needed to learn that their job was clarifying direction and ensuring alignment, not diving into tactical execution. Tactical work still happens, but they measure and communicate about it. They don't get into the weeds and drive it themselves.
Second, learning to lead through other managers. They needed to see the junior manager's team as fully their responsibility. Success meant the junior manager succeeded, not that they personally fixed every problem. This meant measuring team performance across both areas, coaching the junior manager, and removing obstacles—not doing the junior manager's job.
Third, finding where expectations weren't clear. Instead of assuming they understood what I wanted, I needed to actively identify where they felt confused or unsuccessful. What did they think success looked like? Where did my expectations not match their understanding?
These three behaviors. That's it.
Every one-on-one focuses on these. Not on the missed deadline from Tuesday. Not on the communication gap from last week's meeting. Just these three leadership behaviors.
When they talk only about their old team in staff meeting, I don't add it to the feedback list. I connect it back to behavior two: "You're leading through another manager now. How is their team performing? What support do they need from you?"
When a cross-team project struggles, I don't document another failure. I ask: "What's your goal for this project? How are you measuring whether both teams are aligned? What's blocking success?"
When I'm frustrated about something that feels like five-year-old soccer, I don't say it. I take a breath and ask myself: Does this connect to one of the three behaviors we're working on? If not, I let it go.
This takes discipline. New problems emerge weekly. My instinct screams to mention all of them. But I don't. Because adding more feedback won't help them improve faster. It will ensure they improve never.
Instead, I keep coming back to the same three behaviors. We talk about specific situations where they showed up. We discuss what different choices would look like. We track progress on changing these habits, not on fixing every outcome.
Some weeks they backslide. That's normal. We talk about what happened and refocus. But because we're not also trying to fix five other things simultaneously, they actually have the mental space to change.
After a few months, I start seeing real improvement. They're setting clearer goals with both managers. They're asking about team-wide metrics instead of just their old area. They're catching themselves when they start diving into tactical work and redirecting their energy to leadership work.
They don't become perfect. But they become noticeably better. And more importantly, they feel successful. They can see their own progress because the targets are clear and consistent.
What Happens After You Narrow Focus
Here's what nobody tells you about focused feedback: the hardest part isn't identifying the 2-3 behaviors. It's resisting the urge to add more when new problems emerge.
Because new problems will emerge. Constantly.
You'll see a communication failure and want to add "better stakeholder updates" to the list. You'll notice a delegation issue and want to include "empowering the team." You'll observe a meeting that went poorly and think "we need to talk about this too."
Don't.
Ask yourself: Does this new problem connect to one of the 2-3 behaviors we're already working on? If yes, bring it up as an example of that existing behavior. If no, let it go.
This requires you to track progress differently. Stop making mental lists of every problem. Start keeping notes on whether you're seeing change in the specific behaviors you identified.
In your one-on-ones, resist the temptation to bring up every issue from the week. Instead, ask: "Tell me about a situation this week where you led through your junior manager instead of solving the problem yourself." Or "How did you clarify goals for the team this week?"
You're looking for evidence of behavior change, not perfect outcomes. The outcomes will improve when the behaviors change. But you have to give the behaviors time to actually shift.
Most behavior change takes 60-90 days of consistent focus. That's two to three months of talking about the same 2-3 things over and over. It feels repetitive. It feels slow. It works.
The Discipline of Staying Focused
The reason I overwhelmed my senior manager with feedback wasn't because I didn't care. It was because I cared too much about too many things at once.
Every problem I saw felt urgent. Every gap felt like something they needed to fix immediately. I convinced myself that being comprehensive was being helpful. I was wrong.
Here's how to stay focused when every instinct tells you to add more:
Keep a separate list for yourself. When you see a new problem, write it down. But don't bring it to them. Review your list weekly. Ask yourself: Is this still a problem? Often, fixing the core 2-3 behaviors resolves issues you thought needed separate attention.
Use a framework to structure your feedback. Something like SBI (Situation-Behavior-Impact) forces you to be specific about what you observed. This clarity helps you decide if the observation connects to your existing focus areas or if you're adding something new.
Schedule a 30-day review. Put it on your calendar. In 30 days, you'll assess whether the 2-3 behaviors you identified are still the right ones. Not before. This prevents you from constantly shifting focus while still allowing for course correction if needed.
Ask them what's working. In every conversation, ask them to identify where they're seeing progress. This keeps you both focused on change, not just problems. It also reveals whether they understand what you're asking for.
When you're tempted to bring up that seventh thing they need to improve, remember: you're not helping them get better faster. You're ensuring they never improve at all.
The Cost of Getting It Wrong
I lost a capable employee who could have grown into the senior manager role. Not because they lacked potential. Because I didn't give them a realistic path to success.
I failed in my fundamental job as a leader: developing people. I saw someone struggling and responded by making the struggle harder. I thought I was being thorough. I was being destructive.
The "five year olds playing soccer" comment wasn't just cruel. It was evidence that I'd lost perspective. I was so frustrated by the lack of progress that I couldn't see I was causing the problem.
They quit the day we gave them the performance improvement plan because by that point, they'd been receiving improvement feedback for months. The formal plan wasn't new information. It was confirmation that nothing they did would ever be enough.
I see this pattern now in coaching conversations. Leaders come to me frustrated that their team member "just isn't getting it" despite "all the feedback I'm giving." When I ask what they're focusing on, they list eight things. Ten things. Everything they see that's not working.
They're creating the same failure I created. With the same good intentions.
What To Do Monday
If you're managing someone's performance right now, stop adding to the feedback list.
Instead, do this:
Identify the 2-3 behaviors that matter most. Go back to your values, your leadership principles, your team goals. Ask yourself: What specific behaviors is this person showing that aren't supporting the culture and direction I'm building? What behaviors, if they changed them, would solve most of the other problems I'm seeing?
Write them down. Be specific about what those behaviors look like in practice.
Review your recent feedback. How many different things have you asked them to improve in the last month? If it's more than three, you're overwhelming them. Pick the 2-3 that matter most and let the rest go for now.
Plan your next conversation. It should focus entirely on those 2-3 behaviors. Not on outcomes. Not on the full list of problems. Just those critical behaviors. Prepare specific examples of where you've seen them (or not seen them) in action.
Commit to 60 days. These three behaviors are your focus for the next two months. Write it down. Put it somewhere you'll see it before every one-on-one. When you're tempted to add more feedback, look at that note and stop yourself.
Ask them what's unclear. In your next conversation, don't just give feedback. Ask where they're confused about what success looks like. Where do they feel unsuccessful? What support do they need to change these specific behaviors?
Then listen. Really listen. Because sometimes the problem isn't that they won't change. It's that they don't know what you're actually asking for.
You Can Do This Differently
I can't undo what happened with my senior manager. They're gone. I don't get a second chance with them.
But you might still have time.
If you're overwhelming someone with feedback right now, you can stop. Today. This conversation. You can narrow your focus to what actually matters and give them a realistic shot at success.
It requires discipline. You'll see problems you want to mention. You'll have to bite your tongue. You'll worry that you're not being thorough enough.
Let that worry go. Comprehensive feedback doesn't help people improve. Focused feedback does.
Stop giving them everything you see. Start giving them what they can actually use.
Have you seen this pattern? Either in yourself or in leaders you've worked with? What helped break the cycle? Drop a comment, I'd learn from your experience.
You're great at the work. Let's make it visible.
If you're struggling to give focused performance feedback, or you recognize yourself in this story and want to change course before you lose someone, let's talk. I help leaders get clear on what matters most and develop their people effectively.
Contact me: https://www.jessestaffordcoaching.com/lets-talk
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